This was never planned...

I happened upon you..

Wasn't expecting you...

This was not in my plans.

But you arrived and somehow, you slipped under the radar.

But our clock is not set at the right time.

You're clock and mine click too loudly against each other.

While mine is set at 12 noon, the hands of yours push to 6

The familiarity of your smile and laugh,

As though I may have met you in another time, in another life.

You're presence scares the hell out of me and I know I do the same to you.

It would be easier to write you off...pretend we never met...

settle down in my comfortable place of shutting you out.

And while you choose to take a different journey than I,

And though our paths may only have crossed for a moment.

You have touched me and etched a lovely memory, of "I happened upon you, didn't expect you, this was not in my plans" kind of joy.

And your temporary presence...

Made me smile.

Brick by Brick...I see you...

I wished ...

I prayed...

You arrived.

I ran.

Feeling safer in a place of unrest. Giving in to ideals of what a man should be, should look like, should offer, should not offer. Being aware that much of this is bullshit, but choosing to continue the mess from the messages my mother told me, who was told by her mother and her mothers mother. These messages that we have allowed to seep into our brain and stir up our souls. The kind that make stupid mistakes. Mistakes that make us ..

Wish..

Pray..

Run..

Taking a deep breath when I do finally run, and look back and don't see you there, then suddenly realizing that running doesn't feel as good as I thought it would. That perhaps if I had thought about it a bit longer, chose to stay and embrace your goodness, accept your invitation to love, create a new story that spells out that there is no need to run.

So tonight

I take apart the wall that's been up for so many years. Brick by brick..and while this wall is high, and strong and at times impossible. I will attempt to take it down and if I can't...I'll climb over it to reach you on the other side.

I'm tired of running. It's time to walk towards you.

The baby blue running jacket...

Seven years ago, after a drawn out break up, I was determined to keep myself busy. Calling close friends and setting up a schedule to ensure that I did everything from movie night, to crafts, to anything that would keep me from thinking about "him". Every day, I'd drive by this store where I saw packs of crazy people, running in groups on the side of the road, and as I sometimes splashed them as I drove by, it didn't seem to matter; They kept running.

Somewhere between the heavy schedule laid out by my friends and the "don't call him, call me" phone calls from my tightest crew, I began to feel like I needed something more. If those people can run, so can I right? I signed up without thinking about it and was set to start the following week. The day of, I almost drove past. Couldn't imagine what I was thinking. It was winter, my hair would get wet..I'd surely get splashed on the side of the road like the people I splashed almost every day.. But I pulled in, walked through the doors, and in that moment, I didn't realize, what an amazing life lesson I would learn.

I laced up my running shoes and picked out a baby blue running jacket that all the other pack members seemed to wear in the colours of their choice. With light reflecting strips down my arms and on my back, I took my first step. Week after week, I went back. Daring to do just a little bit more. Push a little bit more. And the more I ran, the less my heart seemed to hurt. The farther I went, the farther "he" stayed out of my mind. Weeks later, my body started changing, I felt alive.

I made friends with 3 other women. All from different walks of life. On the street, we would never have met. All from different backgrounds, some older and some younger than others. It didn't matter. We were the "sex in the city" girls, except with running shoes on and a few pounds to lose..I took the role of Carrie of course..lol. We ran our first marathon months later. Crossing that finish line, taught me, that in order to get to where you need to be, you need to be able to believe that you can.

Then I got hurt.

Running to fast too quickly, my ankles and the soles of my feet ached for me to stop. I didn't run again until 3 weeks ago.

I put back on my blue running jacket that held secrets and history of all the conversations and laughter and sometimes even tears, that the four running woman shared, as we ran in the early morning or late at night under an observing moon. I stood in front of the mirror and remembered why I put this jacket on in the first place. This time, I put it on for a whole new reason. Not for anyone else. Not because I was trying to forget, but because I want to take that first step again. Run that marathon because it makes my body feel good. Not because I need to distract myself from a heart too heavy to keep up with my busying feet.

It's funny. Whenever I see packs of women running in their jackets, I often think. "What's their story? Are there stories hidden in the pockets of those jackets? Are they the woman I was 7 years ago? Are they running because of pure joy? or are they trying to forget? Regardless, they are running.

I have a new friend who has put on her running jacket. And for whatever reason she has chosen to zip up and hit the road, we're doing it together. Every kilometre, every extra minute we put on the clock, is another minute that confirms our success. The snow blows, the rain falls down on me and wets up my hair, the hail beats against my cheeks until they feel numb..but it's a wonderful feeling.

Daring to do something that you never thought you could do, is the greatest feeling in the world. And what started out as a mission to forget, is now a wonderful memory of strength, sore feet, wet socks, friendship and laughter.

It began with a baby blue running jacket.

Take that first step with your life. You'll be happy that you did.

Rachael-lea

What I know for sure...My Oprah moment...

What I know for sure..

I love chocolate,

The smell of gasoline, liquid paper, and fresh cut grass.

I love warm clothes out of the dryer,

The sun on my face,

And a deep uncontrollable belly laugh..

What I know for sure..

I love the sound of crickets,

the smell of a baby's neck,

Hot baths,

freshly painted toes (with no bed sheet marks)

Roller coasters,

Musicals

And a good yawn..

What I know for sure,

Is without fail, my little dog will love me and lick my feet because she knows when i need it most.

Unconditional love even when I step on her paw by accident.

What I know for sure,

Is that friends will fall away,

become acquaintances...

Perhaps we'll pass on the street like strangers,

And the very few who remain,

Will love me at my most high,

They'll make me tea,

Wipe my tears,

Laugh with me,

Understand jokes just between us,

Tell me everything will be ok,

even if they secretly worry it won't.

What I know for sure,

Is there will always be people in the world who will try and intimidate you,

Hurt you,

Be disloyal to you,

And we won't always see past the reality of where it all stems,

We'll get hurt, not realizing,

That the Bully has been bullied, the one who hurts, is hurt

The one who is disloyal, probably doesn't have someone to lean on.

Send them love...but don't allow them in your space.

What I know for sure,

Is that I have many great ideas and thoughts,

But not all of them are what I was destined to do.

So I tuck some of them away,

But put the ones that mean the most to me on the top of my list.

What I know for sure,

I hate the gym,

Stairwells get me,

And an excercise routine is a chore,

But the feeling I get from doing it,

Is gratifying and a small win each time I do.

What I know for sure..

I have a temper,

I say things without thinking,

I sometimes don't speak up enough.

I sometimes put myself second,

I've loved the wrong men,

And haven't loved the right ones..

But each time,

I get closer,

Better.

Nearer to the man I NEED, not WANT.

What I know for sure,

I draw closer to family,

I have become my mother,

I appreciate time with them like never before.

But most of all,

What I know for sure,

Is that I am learning, growing, freeing myself from old habits, and trying to form new ones.

I'm dreaming, fighting for what I believe in, loving, appreciating and expressing more.

Eliminating no from my vocabulary, asking for what I need. Giving breath to what matters most..

And through it all,

I'm ok with me.

Just the way I am.

For Every Woman Who's Gone on Vacation- My All Inclusive Man

I met him on the beach

While i was working on my tan

He said something in spanish

That i still don’t understand

But it really doesn’t matter

Cuz he’s such a sexy man

This poem is dedicated to

My all inclusive man.

His teeth were white like diamonds,

And his skin was sun kissed brown,

He watched me as i lost my speech,

And looked him up and down.

And though not very stylish,

His pants were way too tight,

His shirt the early 90’s

And his “hip hop”

Not quite right.

But when he took a hold of me,

You wouldn’t understand,

The magic that can happen,

With an all inclusive man.

He thought my name was “Risho”

Rachael didn’t come out right,

Oh Risho, You’re so sexy,

as he held my body tight.

The only words that I had learned,

From my tour guide in the day,

Was Cervaca, Ola, Mi Amor,

Had nothing more to say.

But my all inclusive Jose,

Made it all just seem ok,

Because the latin language needed,

was only needed in the day.

He asked me who I’m here with,

If my husband is near by,

I told him that I’m single,

And he says “oh mami..why”

He tells me “God,I love you’

And that I should stop my search,

Because he’s a senior pastor

And my body is his church.

Now don’t think I got it twisted,

I knew it was a fling,

But I thought I’d let you know,

Jose, he taught me many things

Jose, he liked them chunky,

My curves he held on tight,

He rolled me like a dumplin,

and although I’d try to fight,

I had an ah ha moment,

And it all just seemed alright,

My all inclusive Jose,

Loved me up throughout the night.

The next day by the pool,

My walk it had a swing,

I whistled as I sashayed,

Did a meringue /salsa thing

I ordered my Cervaca,

and then I wished upon a star

Dear God,

Please let all the men in Toronto turn into Joses

Minus the really tight pants and the shiny “Stiches” shirt.

Please god, let all of them like chubby girls and let all skinny girls

break their ankles while dancing on the dance floor.

Amen.

Ok, back to the poem.

I left just 3 days later,

And as the plane touched down,

I was greeted by Toronto boys,

Who live with me downtown.

The ones that stand in night clubs,

And never speak a sound.

You know the ones,

The pretty boys,

Who dress up to the nines,

No need to ask a girl to dance because they know their fine?

And their pants they’re fitted perfectly

Their shirts are always sharp,

But when it comes to romance,

They’re completely in the dark.

I’m sorry guys,

You might be mad,

You might not understand,

Perhaps I’ll give your email

To my All inclusive man,

And he can give you pointers

So you can change your action plan.

Because,

HEY!

I heard you women’s on vacation,

And she’s got and all inclusive man!

When you hate your job this much.... it's time to find another one. The definition of corporate madness.

Blind for a Night...

I take for granted what I have. I wrinkle up my nose at the lady with the bad smelling perfume beside me on the train (SMELL), or the young teenager that's playing his music from a beat up cell phone without earphones so the whole subway train can hear it (HEARING). I get annoyed when someone sits too closely to me and leans a little too hard against me as the subway rocks back and forth (TOUCH). I grumble as I get out of bed and see the winter blizzard blowing from outside my window (SIGHT). I gasp as I eat something that doesn't please my palette (TASTE)..and what I don't realize is...I take it all for granted.

Tonight, I took my friend Ashley out for a birthday dinner. Thinking, what could I do that would be original and different. What have I never done before? A friend of mine suggested I visit a restaurant called NOIR. "You'll love it Rach, it's a whole new experience, it's dining in the dark". Dining in the dark? Really? Now that was something I had to try. Knowing my track record, I felt it wise to dress in black that day. I can barely keep light colors tidy when I'm not in the dark, surely I would embarrass myself if it was anything other than black.

We arrived at 620 Church Street and headed down a flight of stairs that lead to a lobby that looked like an old library. A Sherlock Holmes kind of feel with a bar! LOL...Old book shelves and a mysterious feel to it. On the wall was a quote that really summed up the whole evening

The quote said "There is no darkness but ignorance".

We were greeted by a hostess who then told us that our server would be Michael and he is visually impaired. She knocked on a door and shortly afterwards, Michael came out and greeted us. We were asked to stand in a row, with our right hand on the person in front of us, and Michael then led us to the table.

It sort of felt like I was playing a game of Marco Polo, minus the pool. Trusting on my other senses, and Michael of course, to get us to the table.

But then the fun began.

You never know how much you rely on your sight, until it's taken away. Where the hell is the butter? My knife? The glass of juice I ordered. You can't see a thing, it's pitch dark and after a while your eyes get so tired of searching for light, that you just end up closing them. I could have guessed that there might have been about 5 other tables in the room. But who the heck knows? LOL! I heard voices, I smelled the food, I listened more to Ashley and wasn't distracted by things that would make me drift away from the conversation. No cell phones, no internet access, nothing, but darkness and good conversation.

When the food arrived I was excited. Some swayed me from going there, saying "what if the food drops on the floor", "what if it's recycled"...I had to trust that the awards upon awards that this restaurant had been given, was reason to trust that I'd enjoy my meal. It was delicious! Mind you, I started out attempting to eat with a knife and fork, but after poking my cheek with my fork several times, and losing my knife somewhere on the table, I said "screw it"...and ate with my hands. Yes, that's right. I ate my steak, potatoe wedges and portabello mushrooms with the 10 instruments God gave me, my hands. And hey, no one could see me anyway, so what's the big deal? Ashley and I laughed as we succesffully finished each plate that was handed to us by Michael. He'd rest it on our shoulder so we could grab it and put it down in front of us.

Our conversations were intense, and we could not rely on facial expressions to get our messages across. Words seem to have more meaning and the sound of my friends voice seemed more clear than ever before.

After about an hour and half of eating in the dark, we were lead from the table to the door that would bring us back to light. Ashley and I felt like we were seeing for the first time in years.

And as we paid the staff for the wonderful meal, and grabbed our coats and headed back to the car, we gazed at the street lights, the colors, the passing cars and thanked God that we did have our sight.

We know our server Michael doesn't end his shift the way we did that night. We know he doesn't walk into the light and see the traffic lights and the whizzing cars. But we do know that he appreciates life differently than we do. He listens, he hears things that we take for granted, his taste buds must come alive when he sits down to a meal.

Do I recommend NOIR? Absolutely worth the time and money. It's one of the places in Toronto that you must visit before you die! Step out of your box and try something new.

We are so glad we did.

P.S- a great date night if you need to test how well you can communicate with your partner. You'll have fun, but also realize if your relationship can hold up when you can't stare into each

others eyes.

NOIR is located at

416-922-NOIR