So I'm sitting on the phone. trying hard to finish my day's work but the phone starts to ring. I know I shouldn't pick it up, but don't I do it anyway.
It's my friend. Talking to me about how her friend just started dating some guy and he's giving her money. "How long have they been dating?" I ask, "well, not long, but he's willing to pay her bills...what's so wrong with that?"....I knew I had to hold back, because I've never been one to take money from men much less anyone else. I'm the type that would be starving and you'd never hear a peep out of me. I suppose pride gets the best of me. My friend then goes on to say that she sits on the fence on the issue, but "Really Rach, if I'm in a situation and a man wants to just give me money...what's so wrong about that?".
Well, I put it out to you? Do you think it's ok to just...take a mans money? Especially if you heart isn't into the man? Is it ok to accept things just because people give it to you? Do you really think that doesn't hold any consequences?
In that very moment, I knew I had to write this down. Type it out, do something...because for me...it's just not ok.
What do you think?
I think it's like a "buyer beware" kinda thing when yuh take money from anyone, especially a man.
ReplyDeleteI'm 19 & i dated this guy ago a couple months who was also 19. Thought he was such a great guy. During that time i fell on hard times cuz i couldn't find a job! My 3 figure-fone bill needed to be paid & i didn't wanna ask him out of pride. Eventually he offered, surprised me with the money & i took it as a last resort cuz i had nowhere else to turn to. a few weeks later he made a comment that it was a waste if his money. Another time he gave me money to buy new clothes. Another time he gave me money cuz he felt bad i couldn't go out with my frens. I accpeted them all, simply cuz he when i was my boyfriend & he was helping me out when i needed it. When we went out for dinner & a movie, he paid most of time (i got to pay once when i had the money).
ReplyDeleteThen we started fussing, & he would ask for all of the money back! As a result of all this he would act like if we broke up,i would suffer the most.
This is when i truly realized i had to be independently, financially stable! At the end of the day i want to say i worked hard for mine. I earned it, bought it, & owe nothing to noone besides the person who sold it to me!
I never paid him a dime back. But i vowed that when i became successful, i would mail the bastard a cheque with all the money i owed him. Telling him he can have his chump change back!
Just when yuh think 'how low can yuh go', people can always stoop lower.
I think it is wrong to use someone for any reason--whether it be for money or sex, etc.
ReplyDeleteIf that is the only reason she is with him than I disagree with her using him as an ATM.
But I also think it is wrong to be 'independent to a fault'. I use to wear that "title as a badge of honor", and take it as a compliment. LOL
You know the, 'I will dont want someone to help me when I need it, spoil me silly, because I am superwoman, I am so super independent and proud, and I exclusively depend on myself'. I use to suffer from that illness. It stemmed from my fears and trust issues. I kept a lot of great men at bay.
Than I finally woke up, when that chip off my shoulder was knocked off. The man I loved and he loved me, said this to me--
"you have such a big heart, give to everyone else, help others when they are in need but refuse to let others help you or shower you with gifts?"
My response was--"I am independant woman and I dont want anyone having control over me or hanging anything over my head."
He said--"so when you give things to people, do you do it to hold it over their head, or to control them?"
I said--"no of course not, I do it from the goodness of my heart, I want nothing in return and I feel blessed and good when I help others or am able to give gifts to them."
He said--"well it would be arrongant to think that many other people dont have the same motive as you do,
and dont you know that by not accepting help from others, you are indirectly telling them you dont trust them and you deny others the blessing and gift of feeling just as good as you do?"
What a paradigm shift for me!!!
I realized I had pushed the good guys away because the subconscious message I had sent them was 'I dont need you' and 'I dont really trust you to really give to me or help from a pure heart'. And they heard that message loud and clear.
I learned a man "needs" to feel needed when they love their woman, that they can provide and protect her, even when he knows she can provide for herself, if she really had to.
I learned that when a man REALLY loves a woman, he PROUDLY and HAPPILY enjoys lavishing her with the best and wants the best for her because he feels she deserves it. And he will do it without any strings attached because it is coming from a place of love.
I have learned to just say 'Thank you', and to let him spoil me and love me in all the ways he knows how, without denying his pleasure in doing so (and I do the same in return). And it feels good!
Thank you so much for comments ladies. You're perspective is so important! I really sat back tonight an thought about what you said. I do agree that there is a bit of 'hang up" that i have over letting people help me. I will truly try to look at that and be a little less judgmental about others who openly accept gifts.
ReplyDeleteYour welcome Rachel!
ReplyDeleteI wanted to add, that I also learned that to be in a successful, happy and loving relationship both parties have to be willing to be vulnerable, completely VULNERABLE...as scary as that might be.
The risk is you might get hurt, or you might fall madly in love with the person of your dreams.
And it is just as important to learn how to receive as it is to give!
Miss Anonymous...I assume your on facebook...I'd love to hear more about you...put you on a panel...you sound like you have a lot to say...get in touch with me...
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with Ms. Anonymous in that we have to learn how to accept gifts from others. I have always been a strong, PROUD woman and was raised to never stretch out my hands to anyone. I carried those teachings with me into adulthood and suffered a bit because of it.
ReplyDeleteI agree that it sends the message to others that you don't trust their sincerity, but it also sends a message to the universe (The Source)that you are not grateful for the blessing. If we reject the gifts that others give, we are limiting the ways in which the Lord reach us. He uses the people in our lives to deliver his blessings but our pride sometimes prevents us from seeing that.
I do not believe its right to accept money or gifts from someone that you know is doing it in an effort to gain your affection. If you are honest with yourself and the person and they still wish to help you then I don't see anything wrong with accepting. However, if you are misleading a person and accepting their gifts anyway, then that is a violation and those gifts will not bring you joy.
To give, is to receive.
WOW...I have learned plenty here today. I have always been too proud and afraid to accept anything from anyone and rarely, if ever ask for help. I will change that as of today. Thank you all so much for sharing.
ReplyDeletewow. Ms. Anonymous. That was touching and so very true. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind me jumping on your blog, Lea. I came across it by accident as I was looking for a specific quote on Google about money. I have also enjoyed some of your other blogs. You are a good read...articulate, and interersting.
Keep it up.