I want to be in love...

I want to be in love

I want to be in love,
Not a regular kind of every day love,
But the kind of love that doesn’t make me focus at work,
Lose track of time,
Get sunburned while sitting by the water,
Thinking about you.

I want to be in love,
The kind of love that makes me eat foods I wouldn’t usually try,
Just because I want to taste what makes your taste buds come alive.

If I’m going to be in love,
The kind of love I’m looking for,
makes flowers talk,
the air smell sweet,
and when you're with me.
Time stands still,
Burdens fall away,

I want to be in love.
So I can wrap surprises in pretty pieces of paper
and leave it under your pillow.
Burn food on the stove I’ve never made
from cookbooks I’d never usually buy
in an attempt to make you the perfect meal.

And when I do finally make that meal
We never eat it anyway.
The food gets cold because
There’s no time to eat...
Food.

The kind of love
that doesn’t need words,
You don't have to give me your last Rolo,
I already know what's mine is yours,
what's yours is mine.


I want to be in love,
the kind of love where you meet in my dreams
and when you meet me there,
We talk about how great it will be
when you meet me in the morning.

I want to be in love.
But for now,
I’ll write this poem
tuck it away amongst the packages of surprises I’ve yet to wrap and place under your pillow.

Hide it between the pages of the cookbooks I’ve yet to buy.

Because one day.

I’ll be in love.

Girls That Smoke

I blame it on Brampton.

Perhaps my desire to fit in, be cool...be like the Fonz.

Some of my earliest memories of cigarettes were the ones my parents used to store in a small mahogany box in the "fancy room" that you only go in when company comes over.

When no one was looking, I'd go into that room, open the box up and smell the little white sticks lined neatly in that box.

For those of you who have never smoked a cigarette, an unsmoked cigarette actually has a sweet sort of smell to it and the kind of smell that brings me back to days of watching my parents wind down at the end of the day, in the room kids don't go in unless company comes over.

Being a child of the 80's, a time where kids were still actually afraid of their parents, I dared not take one.

Instead, my friend Colleen and I would make make shift cigarettes from grass and paper and try and smoke it. Didn't quite work out.

But the day did come.

The day I had my first cigarette. In the girls washroom in high school. Hanging out with the "cool girls" who wore telephone coil hair extensions and walked with a strut that I wanted to emulate.

Now most of us will find a way to put blame on others for their smoking habits. I don't. This was all me.

And it took me over 15 years to realize that it was time to stop. Stop before it stopped me.

5 months ago, my good friend Sean introduced me to an audio book called Allen Carr's easy way to stop smoking. I secretly laughed at him when he said "just try it Rach". I had tried everything; the pills, the patch...infact, I'd put a patch on, rip it off, smoke, and then put the patch back on.

All along, I knew it was disgusting habit and one thing is for sure.

Boys don't like girls who smoke.

But I couldn't stop.

I'd have fights with boyfriends on dates, just so I could leave and have a long awaited cigarette that I yearned for. Screw date night... I just wanted to smoke.

But as much as I laughed at this little audio book. That little audio book has had me smoke free for 5 months now. And I don't think Sean realized it but he's literally saved my life.

So,

If your a smoker...

It's time to stop.

And I'm not going to harp on you, or shake a finger at you...because God knows that doesn't work. But I will tell you that if a girl like me who has been fascinated by cigarettes from the age of about 5, can finally turn away from it...

So can you.

Today, a man walked by me and blew cigarette smoke in my face..

and I thought to myself..

the little white sticks in the mahogany boxes really didnt' smell that great.

If you do anything for yourself...

may it be over eating

bad self talk,

drugs or any kinds of addictions...

get help.

Don't let anything over power you that much that you risk your life for it.

It's just not worth it.

And if you need help.

I'm here.

Rachael-Lea

I shifted somewhere between Front and Queen Street...

Most recently, I started reading a book called "The Art of Extreme Self Care" by Cheryl Richardson. My friend trey had read it and it seemed to have made a huge impact on her life almost immediately. I have to say, it's done the same for me.

It's an easy read and I carry it with me on the street car and read it when I can. The street car is my time to zone out and just let the driver take me to my destination without the care of having my hands on the wheel. A few days ago, somewhere between Front and Queen Street, I had a shift.

I've always been one who wants to please. Please my parents, please my friends, please my fans. Please others. To be that good daughter, good friend, good community leader. Saying yes to things when I really want to say no, and in the end, disappointing others when I seem to waver back and forth. No is a hard word for me, and so me and Mr.No will be spending a lot of time together over the next little while. Be ok in his company, learn to say it more often, enjoy saying it without fear or guilt. A difficult task, but a necessary one.

Most recently, I've made some very big choices to take projects off my plate that no longer serve me like they used to, and while I hurt some people in the process, I had to be ok with that.

I'm arguing less.

I've always been the one who needs to "be right" or at least go down with a good fight.

I'm tired of fighting.

I'm walking away from the battles and choosing to live a more peaceful life.

I'm having conversations with my parents that are way over due, because time is precious and not on our side.

My friend Jem jokes with me sometimes, because lately, I seem to want to do everything. I want to learn to kick box, I want to salsa, I want to laugh more, learn to sail, travel to foreign countries. And for an outsider looking in, yup, I might seem a bit nuts.

To me...

I think I'm realizing how wonderful and precious life is, and it's about time that I enjoy every moment of it.

And so...

I'm really not sure what inspired this blog tonight. Maybe to put this down somewhere so that I might look back on it and remind myself how joyous I feel in this very minute.

Maybe I'm writing it because there's someone out there who's wasting their precious life talking about what they "can't" do, instead of what they can.

But either way, somewhere between Front and Queen Street, on a TTC street car...My thought patterns have changed and my soul feels lighter.

And I hope yours will too.

Rachael-Lea

I thank you for the lump in my throat...

I've got a lump in my throat.

The kind of lump that if a glass of water would wash away,

I'd drink it by the gallons.

But no matter how much water I drink.

I still have a lump in my throat.

As much as I don't want that lump in my throat..

That lump...

Reminds me that I am human.

That my heart beats

and that it feels

and that it is alive.

I have to remember...

Every lump I've ever gotten in my throat...

Has always been a blessing.

Rachael-lea

The Dinner Mint in ME....

Being the co-writer of I am NOT a Dinner Mint, a play that touched thousands of women's lives a few years back, comes with a certain degree of responsibility. Motivating women (and men) to make wiser choices. To stand up for themselves, to put themselves first, to avoid at all costs ...being a DINNER MINT.

I recognize this responsibility..and at times, it weighs heavy on me. The very words I had written, the very advice I would give, would be the same situations that would come back to haunt me this year.

2009 for me was one of the most life changing years I've had. It was a year for stepping out. I said at the beginning of the year that this would be the year I walked through fear. I can say I accomplished that.

Just a year ago, I was a scared little Bramptonian who wouldn't dare go anywhere unless it was in a car. I sold my car, moved downtown, traded in my Mazda for a TTC bus pass. For the first few months, I spent travelling around the city while gripping tightly to a TTC map. I now travel with ease, and get around farther than I ever did in my Mazda.

I opened Broadway Bound, the first theatre academy that I know of, that deals particularly with self esteem issues through theatre. I inspired children and plan to inspire more in 2010.

I launched the All Thing Rachael-Lea speaking forums with Inside His Head and "I know this REALLY great guy"..

But, and there is a BUT....I will admit, there have been challenges.

This year, love has been my challenge. I love love. Love to fall in love... but this year, I chose to love and it bit me right in the ass! LOL!

While my creative endeavours soared.

My heart sank.

I found myself once again being attracted to "Mr.Emotionally Unavailable". A sucker for a bad boy, I admit it.

This year 3 of my ex boyfriends got married. And as I looked over their pictures or received emails from them with the news, although my heart felt happy for them, there was a part of me that couldn't help but reflect. Each of those men who are now married, just like in the play, were very available, loving men who wanted to share their lives with me. I wouldn't have any part in it.

This year, I believe God brought 3 very unique and different men into my life. They challenged me and that excited me. I wanted to "conquer" them. I wanted to prove that you can always have what you want if you work at it. What I didn't realize is that my determination with my work, does not always apply to the heart.

So, I sit here tonight, not sure where this blog is going. Not sure why I decided to write it tonight, but know that it's time that I pick up the script of I am NOT a Dinner Mint. It's time I read it again. It's time that I not only inspire others to be the best they can be, but take some time to inspire myself.

I do no regret 2009. For there are far too many blessings, and as my mother says "that would be flying in God's face....whatever that means...how can you fly in Gods face...Caribbean mothers for you"

But I will pat myself on the back for everything brave I have done this year and I take a deep breath in and believe that love is right around the corner.

I still believe in Love and I thank those 3 men for all the learning lessons I was given this year.

I wish you love. I wish me love.

So for tonight, I am the audience within my own play. This play will run with no closing date planned. There will be no intermissions, and I plan to jump out of my seat and give a full standing ovation when the story is complete.

I'm in my 30's...BUT...I am NOT a Cougar!

The other day I was frantically looking for a pair of boots. Being a skinny legged girl, finding a pair of boots that fit me, is like finding a girdle that looks cute ...it just doesn't happen. While looking in shoe aisle...I heard a woman not too far away from me say "God dam it, I just want to find a comfortable pair of boots, I'm in my 30's man, I just want to be comfortable"...I laughed to myself and gave her the thumbs up. We both understood. Being in my 30's brings me to whole new place. A place where I am comfortable. I still believe in sexy...just not necessarily 9 inches off the floor all the time. My days of killer heels...are officially over. Now that's not to say I won't sacrifice a night of heels that shoot me to the sky and make my calves pop, but wearing them every day? Get the hell out of here! Forget that!

That experience brought me to my next thought.

I think sometimes there is a misconception about women in their 30's. That for some reason, when a woman moves into (what is by the way, probably the sexiest time of her life) her 30's, she begins to be categorized as a cougar. For me, I still have not embraced this word. I'm not going to try and cute it up either, by calling myself a sexy tiger, a jaguar or whatever else women try and use. Let me be very clear, that I DO NOT embrace this word. If you do...knock yourself out sister, I'm just not joining in with you.

When I think about a cougar, I think about an animal that is ready to pounce on her unsuspecting prey. To devour them alive without even a chance to run. I my friend, am not a "pouncer" and do not plan to eat any man alive (unless fully intentional..lol) Why is it when men get older, they are not named after some animal?

A man once said to me, when women get older, they go down in value...when men get older, their stocks rise? Are you kidding me right now? I feel I am in the most valuable time of my life. I am much more certain about who I am and what I stand for. I am ok to say NO. I do not define myself by age. I define myself by the amount of dreams I have accomplished.

Ok, let's get back to the definition of a cougar. For me, a cougar is the definition of a woman who is much older and searches out the company of a younger man. Yes? But lately, I've been hearing that if you're older and single and not married, like it or not...you're a cougar...

I suppose there will always be groups of people who embrace words. Fat, is now PHAT, and plus size women everywhere are embracing those words...I wish I could be one of those women, but I'm just not.

So, I'd like to personally ban this word. Because due to what others may think, not all women in their 30's have the words "please date me and marry me quick because my ovaries are screaming" scrolled across their foreheads. Not all women in their 30's want or desire the company of a younger man. Not all women in their 30's feel the need to be something they are not.

I don't need to dress provocatively to be sexy. In fact, the less provocative I dress, I think it's actually much sexier.

I drove by a bunch of 20 something women last night who were standing outside of a night club. Shivering their asses off, wearing next to nothing. I remember being that girl. And as I slipped off my flat heeled but sexy boots last night. Turned on the fireplace in my bedroom and snuggled into bed...I knew that although I am brave like a lion, and make space for myself in this city like a cougar does in her den, I am not a cougar. I am sexy 30 something who knows who she is and demands from others what she deserves.

Celebrating My Ex's Birthday

This weekend, I attended the birthday of my ex boyfriend. It's funny how life can change and shift. The very man who at one point in my life, I felt I could never live without, thought I'd absolutely crumble when it ended, who inspired me to write, get angry, cry and swear off pretty boys...was the same man that I now looked across the table at and felt nothing but happiness for. So much so, that his new girlfriend and I have become quite good friends. Lots of my friends don't understand it. Heck, at times, I don't understand it, but I know it is what it is.

So many people have problems with ex's remaining friends. It is possible you know. Once my heart shifts, I place you in a different category of love. I love you for what you have brought to my life, what you have taught me, but that doesn't mean I want to jump in the sack with you. Infact, once my heart shifts...guaranteed, that will never happen again.

I may, like you, have cursed the ex's in my life. Looking back, sure..there have been the one or two that I said "what the hell was I thinking", but for the most part, I really have to thank each and every man in my life for what they taught me. Helped me to be the woman I am today. I know that with each relationship, I got better. I made better choices and zoned in on what I need from a partner. I also believe I sometimes attracted the same type of men, because there was a lesson I still hadn't learned. I'm still learning. I probably will continue to learn for the rest of my life. But that's ok.

I'm a lover. I believe in love and will continue to fall in love. I love being in love and I love the idea of love. But in the same breath, I've grown. What used to attract me, no longer interests me.

For the first time in my life I can honestly say that I'm ok with my own company. Sure the sounds of Christmas music, and the lights on the trees got me feeling all mushy. Who wouldn't want a special someone to share this special moments with? I also understand there is a very big difference with being "lonely" and being "alone". I am not Lonely, but I am so ok with being alone. Are you?

It has taken me many years to realize the value of spending time with myself. I ride the bus and I read. I spend time in my house just listening to music and dreaming. I don't need a television to keep me company. I am ok with silence. That's taken me a long time.

It's funny, because for instance, when my friend Caden doesn't hear from me for the day, I get a call with him asking "is everything ok". I think sometimes people think you're in some kind of weird depression if you choose to stay silent. Silence makes a lot of people feel uncomfortable.

So, with that said. I raised a glass this weekend as I watched my ex boyfriend and his girlfriend ring in his birthday. I was there to celebrate it, and I felt happy for them. Really happy. But in the end, I am also happy for myself because I know, I still believe in love...and have no doubt that one day...He'll be raising a glass for me too.

Happy Birthday Mr. Ex.