My conversation with God...

I filled the bathtub tonight. I filled the water up as high as it would go before overflowing onto the floor and I sat there. Not sure where this pulling came from, or why tonight..but I just followed what felt right.

Knowing that something has been missing for a little while now, but not sure just what it was. I have a great life. I have wonderful friends, caring and supportive parents and I have done much of which I should be extremely proud of. But something has been missing.

Thinking about the last little while, I realized that what had been missing...was my faith. A feeling as if my vessel needs to be filled with something much bigger than anything I can touch.

Searching for answers to questions from people or things, outside my very inner voice. Trying to push what I think should happen, when it should happen and how it should happen.

I want to jump right in with eyes closed, knowing that my faith is stronger than any barrier. Not afraid of the unknown, but exhilarated about pushing right through what most people fear.

When I am NOT a Dinner Mint was written and produced, I remember clearly standing outside of a theatre with trey, with clenched fists and most of the money to my name, I bet on my dreams..I dared to risk everything in order to love what I do. That very moment will not be forgotten. My faith was huge...

I'm not a big "formal prayer person"..meaning, I dont say the rosary and rarely read the bible. But what I do know is, I believe my God exists. I want to feel him a bit more. I asked God, if he could just brush by me. Could he just blow softly against my cheeks. Could I see the edge of my guardian angels wings as he walks through the corridor of my home. Just show me a little sign that you are there...that's all I ask.

So tonight, I turned off facebook. Turned off the phone. Turned off the world...and I sit in my home in silence. And for the first time in weeks...the busyness in my head...has settled to a soft sound of "nothing"...

I answered one phone call tonight. I wasn't going to. Trey called, and I almost hit "decline"...I took the call. Told her what was going on with me. She said she had been to church today, and the pastor had talked about the very thing I was talking with God about earlier. That you either live in a place of fear, or faith. And that the pastor had talked about using your soul as an empty vessel...WOW!

So, I suppose that phone call was a small three way from God. And although I have not seen any guardian angel wings hanging out in my downtown condo, and I haven't felt his breath against my face.

Just for tonight...I know ...You've heard me.

Judging a book by it's cover...

Have you ever judged a book by it's cover and then had to take back all your assumptions ?

Ever thought you could size someone up by the way they looked, talked, walked, or even the color of their skin? I know I've been guilty of this and I recognize that this is something I have to work harder at. I admit it, I'm shallow sometimes. It's really not a great thing to do. 

Yesterday, I was reminded of this fact. I put people in boxes, give them limitations of what I think they can or can't do, and then BOOM, they knock you off your feet.

I'd like to thank that someone who proved me wrong.....VERY WRONG..

Look in your life and see who you've put in a box. What person have you sized up thinking you know who they are? What opportunities have you missed because you chose to label others?

Take the blinders off and just let people be who they are...

Bet you'd be surprised...

Have a great long weekend everyone...

I'm ok with growing older....

It's my birthday..I woke up this morning feeling really good about the day and thought to myself..why do so many people, particularly woman, have an issue with growing older?

What's so wrong about celebrating the life you have right now. I have been on this earth for 36 years today and I am proud to share that I have earned each one of those years. Now don't get me wrong, if you're in the entertainment industry, sure...you want to keep it down in fear of maybe not getting roles or having people put you in a box, but I'm not great at auditioning anyway and most likely will make the stories and projects I put myself in..so really, count me out for that one.

I grew up in a time of Strawberry Shortcake, friendship pins on shoes, the pop shoppe, Reading Rainbow and Today's Special. Cheez Whiz was new on the shelf, we didn't have microwaves, internet and email didn't exist. And although some of you might say "woah...she's old"....I say...I'm lucky. As a child, we rode our bikes, hung on street corners until almost dark. We spun globes and stopped it with our fingers and imagined that country and what it would be like to live there. I grew up to the Cosby's and "A different world", where Will Smith still wore his hat backwards and sported neon pink, yellow and white sweat tops. I come from a land of Tretorn shoes and Atari games. I wore Toronto Tee's to Wonderland to get in free. I watched Electric Circus and tuned in to Tarzan Dan. I wanted to be Whitney and tied a big bow around my curly hair and sang "How will I know?" in the mirror. Michael Jackson wasn't an icon, he was my boyfriend...at least that's what I'd like to believe. Duran Duran sang "Girls on Film" and I thought I was watching the best porn I could ever see..I remember distinctly only wanting to get that vidoe from the video store for a party, and my Jamaican parents not knowing what it was, obliged. When they saw what it was...I was quickly beaten with a brush...

I lived in a time where kids were afraid to call the childrens aid if they got a spanking...and talking back was not an option.

I drank Pepsi and Coke from the cans that had two holes...remember those? One big one and a smaller one. Chip bags had winning numbers on the back where you could win another bag.

So...

I could go on for years...and I'll save you all the details.

Bottom line, I'm happy to be the woman I am...not afraid to let you know how far I've come... but the most important thing for me...is that I know where I am going.

If this is your birthday today...Happy Birthday!

Saying Goodbye is never easy!

I've never been good at it. Goodbye is one of those words that I rarely like to use, but when I do..I know it's always for the best.

When a friend leaves for a vacation, its "see you soon", when I talk on the phone and we wrap things up its "talk later"..but goodbye....that's not a word I use very often.

But I need to...

Goodbyes, when I look back and take stock of the last year, I recognize that as painful as a goodbye might seem in a moment, you see how much it makes sense in the end.

The word goodbye is a healing word. It moves you on to things and people you are supposed to experience. It clears the heart to make room for someone or something very necessary. It gives you strength.

So, I challenge both you and I to be a little more open to the words goodbye. To accept that some things truly MUST come to an end. To be ok with knowing that relationships last a reason, season or a lifetime, and each in it's right place for the unfolding of a GREAT YOU!

Gossip...the lonely persons hobby

Gossip,

What a waste of time! The energy it takes to spread news about someone's shortcomings and failures, is the exact same time you could spend on celebrating someone's achievments..NO? Yet more times than not, we choose Gossip.

The question I think that needs to be asked is...if you are spending time gossiping, what is it in your life you are not paying attention to? What "thing" about you are you avoiding and masking by focusing on someone else?

I say, stay out of other peoples issues and start dealing with your own.

If you have so much time to gossip....you're not spending enough time on yourself.

Get with it man...and let's not mention...its soooooooooooo unattractive...

Rachael-Lea

Would you take a man's money...just because?

So I'm sitting on the phone. trying hard to finish my day's work but the phone starts to ring. I know I shouldn't pick it up, but don't I do it anyway. 

It's my friend. Talking to me about how her friend just started dating some guy and he's giving her money. "How long have they been dating?" I ask, "well, not long, but he's willing to pay her bills...what's so wrong with that?"....I knew I had to hold back, because  I've never been one to take money from men much less anyone else. I'm the type that would be starving and you'd never hear a peep out of me. I suppose pride gets the best of me. My friend then goes on to say that she sits on the fence on the issue, but "Really Rach, if I'm in a situation and a man wants to just give me money...what's so wrong about that?".

Well, I put it out to you? Do you think it's ok to just...take a mans money? Especially if you heart isn't into the man? Is it ok to accept things just because people give it to you? Do you really think that doesn't hold any consequences?

In that very moment, I knew I had to write this down. Type it out, do something...because for me...it's just not ok.

What do you think?