The Dinner Mint in ME....

Being the co-writer of I am NOT a Dinner Mint, a play that touched thousands of women's lives a few years back, comes with a certain degree of responsibility. Motivating women (and men) to make wiser choices. To stand up for themselves, to put themselves first, to avoid at all costs ...being a DINNER MINT.

I recognize this responsibility..and at times, it weighs heavy on me. The very words I had written, the very advice I would give, would be the same situations that would come back to haunt me this year.

2009 for me was one of the most life changing years I've had. It was a year for stepping out. I said at the beginning of the year that this would be the year I walked through fear. I can say I accomplished that.

Just a year ago, I was a scared little Bramptonian who wouldn't dare go anywhere unless it was in a car. I sold my car, moved downtown, traded in my Mazda for a TTC bus pass. For the first few months, I spent travelling around the city while gripping tightly to a TTC map. I now travel with ease, and get around farther than I ever did in my Mazda.

I opened Broadway Bound, the first theatre academy that I know of, that deals particularly with self esteem issues through theatre. I inspired children and plan to inspire more in 2010.

I launched the All Thing Rachael-Lea speaking forums with Inside His Head and "I know this REALLY great guy"..

But, and there is a BUT....I will admit, there have been challenges.

This year, love has been my challenge. I love love. Love to fall in love... but this year, I chose to love and it bit me right in the ass! LOL!

While my creative endeavours soared.

My heart sank.

I found myself once again being attracted to "Mr.Emotionally Unavailable". A sucker for a bad boy, I admit it.

This year 3 of my ex boyfriends got married. And as I looked over their pictures or received emails from them with the news, although my heart felt happy for them, there was a part of me that couldn't help but reflect. Each of those men who are now married, just like in the play, were very available, loving men who wanted to share their lives with me. I wouldn't have any part in it.

This year, I believe God brought 3 very unique and different men into my life. They challenged me and that excited me. I wanted to "conquer" them. I wanted to prove that you can always have what you want if you work at it. What I didn't realize is that my determination with my work, does not always apply to the heart.

So, I sit here tonight, not sure where this blog is going. Not sure why I decided to write it tonight, but know that it's time that I pick up the script of I am NOT a Dinner Mint. It's time I read it again. It's time that I not only inspire others to be the best they can be, but take some time to inspire myself.

I do no regret 2009. For there are far too many blessings, and as my mother says "that would be flying in God's face....whatever that means...how can you fly in Gods face...Caribbean mothers for you"

But I will pat myself on the back for everything brave I have done this year and I take a deep breath in and believe that love is right around the corner.

I still believe in Love and I thank those 3 men for all the learning lessons I was given this year.

I wish you love. I wish me love.

So for tonight, I am the audience within my own play. This play will run with no closing date planned. There will be no intermissions, and I plan to jump out of my seat and give a full standing ovation when the story is complete.

I'm in my 30's...BUT...I am NOT a Cougar!

The other day I was frantically looking for a pair of boots. Being a skinny legged girl, finding a pair of boots that fit me, is like finding a girdle that looks cute ...it just doesn't happen. While looking in shoe aisle...I heard a woman not too far away from me say "God dam it, I just want to find a comfortable pair of boots, I'm in my 30's man, I just want to be comfortable"...I laughed to myself and gave her the thumbs up. We both understood. Being in my 30's brings me to whole new place. A place where I am comfortable. I still believe in sexy...just not necessarily 9 inches off the floor all the time. My days of killer heels...are officially over. Now that's not to say I won't sacrifice a night of heels that shoot me to the sky and make my calves pop, but wearing them every day? Get the hell out of here! Forget that!

That experience brought me to my next thought.

I think sometimes there is a misconception about women in their 30's. That for some reason, when a woman moves into (what is by the way, probably the sexiest time of her life) her 30's, she begins to be categorized as a cougar. For me, I still have not embraced this word. I'm not going to try and cute it up either, by calling myself a sexy tiger, a jaguar or whatever else women try and use. Let me be very clear, that I DO NOT embrace this word. If you do...knock yourself out sister, I'm just not joining in with you.

When I think about a cougar, I think about an animal that is ready to pounce on her unsuspecting prey. To devour them alive without even a chance to run. I my friend, am not a "pouncer" and do not plan to eat any man alive (unless fully intentional..lol) Why is it when men get older, they are not named after some animal?

A man once said to me, when women get older, they go down in value...when men get older, their stocks rise? Are you kidding me right now? I feel I am in the most valuable time of my life. I am much more certain about who I am and what I stand for. I am ok to say NO. I do not define myself by age. I define myself by the amount of dreams I have accomplished.

Ok, let's get back to the definition of a cougar. For me, a cougar is the definition of a woman who is much older and searches out the company of a younger man. Yes? But lately, I've been hearing that if you're older and single and not married, like it or not...you're a cougar...

I suppose there will always be groups of people who embrace words. Fat, is now PHAT, and plus size women everywhere are embracing those words...I wish I could be one of those women, but I'm just not.

So, I'd like to personally ban this word. Because due to what others may think, not all women in their 30's have the words "please date me and marry me quick because my ovaries are screaming" scrolled across their foreheads. Not all women in their 30's want or desire the company of a younger man. Not all women in their 30's feel the need to be something they are not.

I don't need to dress provocatively to be sexy. In fact, the less provocative I dress, I think it's actually much sexier.

I drove by a bunch of 20 something women last night who were standing outside of a night club. Shivering their asses off, wearing next to nothing. I remember being that girl. And as I slipped off my flat heeled but sexy boots last night. Turned on the fireplace in my bedroom and snuggled into bed...I knew that although I am brave like a lion, and make space for myself in this city like a cougar does in her den, I am not a cougar. I am sexy 30 something who knows who she is and demands from others what she deserves.

Celebrating My Ex's Birthday

This weekend, I attended the birthday of my ex boyfriend. It's funny how life can change and shift. The very man who at one point in my life, I felt I could never live without, thought I'd absolutely crumble when it ended, who inspired me to write, get angry, cry and swear off pretty boys...was the same man that I now looked across the table at and felt nothing but happiness for. So much so, that his new girlfriend and I have become quite good friends. Lots of my friends don't understand it. Heck, at times, I don't understand it, but I know it is what it is.

So many people have problems with ex's remaining friends. It is possible you know. Once my heart shifts, I place you in a different category of love. I love you for what you have brought to my life, what you have taught me, but that doesn't mean I want to jump in the sack with you. Infact, once my heart shifts...guaranteed, that will never happen again.

I may, like you, have cursed the ex's in my life. Looking back, sure..there have been the one or two that I said "what the hell was I thinking", but for the most part, I really have to thank each and every man in my life for what they taught me. Helped me to be the woman I am today. I know that with each relationship, I got better. I made better choices and zoned in on what I need from a partner. I also believe I sometimes attracted the same type of men, because there was a lesson I still hadn't learned. I'm still learning. I probably will continue to learn for the rest of my life. But that's ok.

I'm a lover. I believe in love and will continue to fall in love. I love being in love and I love the idea of love. But in the same breath, I've grown. What used to attract me, no longer interests me.

For the first time in my life I can honestly say that I'm ok with my own company. Sure the sounds of Christmas music, and the lights on the trees got me feeling all mushy. Who wouldn't want a special someone to share this special moments with? I also understand there is a very big difference with being "lonely" and being "alone". I am not Lonely, but I am so ok with being alone. Are you?

It has taken me many years to realize the value of spending time with myself. I ride the bus and I read. I spend time in my house just listening to music and dreaming. I don't need a television to keep me company. I am ok with silence. That's taken me a long time.

It's funny, because for instance, when my friend Caden doesn't hear from me for the day, I get a call with him asking "is everything ok". I think sometimes people think you're in some kind of weird depression if you choose to stay silent. Silence makes a lot of people feel uncomfortable.

So, with that said. I raised a glass this weekend as I watched my ex boyfriend and his girlfriend ring in his birthday. I was there to celebrate it, and I felt happy for them. Really happy. But in the end, I am also happy for myself because I know, I still believe in love...and have no doubt that one day...He'll be raising a glass for me too.

Happy Birthday Mr. Ex.

My conversation with God...

I filled the bathtub tonight. I filled the water up as high as it would go before overflowing onto the floor and I sat there. Not sure where this pulling came from, or why tonight..but I just followed what felt right.

Knowing that something has been missing for a little while now, but not sure just what it was. I have a great life. I have wonderful friends, caring and supportive parents and I have done much of which I should be extremely proud of. But something has been missing.

Thinking about the last little while, I realized that what had been missing...was my faith. A feeling as if my vessel needs to be filled with something much bigger than anything I can touch.

Searching for answers to questions from people or things, outside my very inner voice. Trying to push what I think should happen, when it should happen and how it should happen.

I want to jump right in with eyes closed, knowing that my faith is stronger than any barrier. Not afraid of the unknown, but exhilarated about pushing right through what most people fear.

When I am NOT a Dinner Mint was written and produced, I remember clearly standing outside of a theatre with trey, with clenched fists and most of the money to my name, I bet on my dreams..I dared to risk everything in order to love what I do. That very moment will not be forgotten. My faith was huge...

I'm not a big "formal prayer person"..meaning, I dont say the rosary and rarely read the bible. But what I do know is, I believe my God exists. I want to feel him a bit more. I asked God, if he could just brush by me. Could he just blow softly against my cheeks. Could I see the edge of my guardian angels wings as he walks through the corridor of my home. Just show me a little sign that you are there...that's all I ask.

So tonight, I turned off facebook. Turned off the phone. Turned off the world...and I sit in my home in silence. And for the first time in weeks...the busyness in my head...has settled to a soft sound of "nothing"...

I answered one phone call tonight. I wasn't going to. Trey called, and I almost hit "decline"...I took the call. Told her what was going on with me. She said she had been to church today, and the pastor had talked about the very thing I was talking with God about earlier. That you either live in a place of fear, or faith. And that the pastor had talked about using your soul as an empty vessel...WOW!

So, I suppose that phone call was a small three way from God. And although I have not seen any guardian angel wings hanging out in my downtown condo, and I haven't felt his breath against my face.

Just for tonight...I know ...You've heard me.

Judging a book by it's cover...

Have you ever judged a book by it's cover and then had to take back all your assumptions ?

Ever thought you could size someone up by the way they looked, talked, walked, or even the color of their skin? I know I've been guilty of this and I recognize that this is something I have to work harder at. I admit it, I'm shallow sometimes. It's really not a great thing to do. 

Yesterday, I was reminded of this fact. I put people in boxes, give them limitations of what I think they can or can't do, and then BOOM, they knock you off your feet.

I'd like to thank that someone who proved me wrong.....VERY WRONG..

Look in your life and see who you've put in a box. What person have you sized up thinking you know who they are? What opportunities have you missed because you chose to label others?

Take the blinders off and just let people be who they are...

Bet you'd be surprised...

Have a great long weekend everyone...

I'm ok with growing older....

It's my birthday..I woke up this morning feeling really good about the day and thought to myself..why do so many people, particularly woman, have an issue with growing older?

What's so wrong about celebrating the life you have right now. I have been on this earth for 36 years today and I am proud to share that I have earned each one of those years. Now don't get me wrong, if you're in the entertainment industry, sure...you want to keep it down in fear of maybe not getting roles or having people put you in a box, but I'm not great at auditioning anyway and most likely will make the stories and projects I put myself in..so really, count me out for that one.

I grew up in a time of Strawberry Shortcake, friendship pins on shoes, the pop shoppe, Reading Rainbow and Today's Special. Cheez Whiz was new on the shelf, we didn't have microwaves, internet and email didn't exist. And although some of you might say "woah...she's old"....I say...I'm lucky. As a child, we rode our bikes, hung on street corners until almost dark. We spun globes and stopped it with our fingers and imagined that country and what it would be like to live there. I grew up to the Cosby's and "A different world", where Will Smith still wore his hat backwards and sported neon pink, yellow and white sweat tops. I come from a land of Tretorn shoes and Atari games. I wore Toronto Tee's to Wonderland to get in free. I watched Electric Circus and tuned in to Tarzan Dan. I wanted to be Whitney and tied a big bow around my curly hair and sang "How will I know?" in the mirror. Michael Jackson wasn't an icon, he was my boyfriend...at least that's what I'd like to believe. Duran Duran sang "Girls on Film" and I thought I was watching the best porn I could ever see..I remember distinctly only wanting to get that vidoe from the video store for a party, and my Jamaican parents not knowing what it was, obliged. When they saw what it was...I was quickly beaten with a brush...

I lived in a time where kids were afraid to call the childrens aid if they got a spanking...and talking back was not an option.

I drank Pepsi and Coke from the cans that had two holes...remember those? One big one and a smaller one. Chip bags had winning numbers on the back where you could win another bag.

So...

I could go on for years...and I'll save you all the details.

Bottom line, I'm happy to be the woman I am...not afraid to let you know how far I've come... but the most important thing for me...is that I know where I am going.

If this is your birthday today...Happy Birthday!

Saying Goodbye is never easy!

I've never been good at it. Goodbye is one of those words that I rarely like to use, but when I do..I know it's always for the best.

When a friend leaves for a vacation, its "see you soon", when I talk on the phone and we wrap things up its "talk later"..but goodbye....that's not a word I use very often.

But I need to...

Goodbyes, when I look back and take stock of the last year, I recognize that as painful as a goodbye might seem in a moment, you see how much it makes sense in the end.

The word goodbye is a healing word. It moves you on to things and people you are supposed to experience. It clears the heart to make room for someone or something very necessary. It gives you strength.

So, I challenge both you and I to be a little more open to the words goodbye. To accept that some things truly MUST come to an end. To be ok with knowing that relationships last a reason, season or a lifetime, and each in it's right place for the unfolding of a GREAT YOU!

Gossip...the lonely persons hobby

Gossip,

What a waste of time! The energy it takes to spread news about someone's shortcomings and failures, is the exact same time you could spend on celebrating someone's achievments..NO? Yet more times than not, we choose Gossip.

The question I think that needs to be asked is...if you are spending time gossiping, what is it in your life you are not paying attention to? What "thing" about you are you avoiding and masking by focusing on someone else?

I say, stay out of other peoples issues and start dealing with your own.

If you have so much time to gossip....you're not spending enough time on yourself.

Get with it man...and let's not mention...its soooooooooooo unattractive...

Rachael-Lea

Would you take a man's money...just because?

So I'm sitting on the phone. trying hard to finish my day's work but the phone starts to ring. I know I shouldn't pick it up, but don't I do it anyway. 

It's my friend. Talking to me about how her friend just started dating some guy and he's giving her money. "How long have they been dating?" I ask, "well, not long, but he's willing to pay her bills...what's so wrong with that?"....I knew I had to hold back, because  I've never been one to take money from men much less anyone else. I'm the type that would be starving and you'd never hear a peep out of me. I suppose pride gets the best of me. My friend then goes on to say that she sits on the fence on the issue, but "Really Rach, if I'm in a situation and a man wants to just give me money...what's so wrong about that?".

Well, I put it out to you? Do you think it's ok to just...take a mans money? Especially if you heart isn't into the man? Is it ok to accept things just because people give it to you? Do you really think that doesn't hold any consequences?

In that very moment, I knew I had to write this down. Type it out, do something...because for me...it's just not ok.

What do you think?